She's really not that bad, I'd know because I am one.
On a balmy May evening in Valladolid, Mexico, my friend Phoebe and I were sitting opposite one another at a table in a hostel garden. I can't remember if we were in conversation or if we had just run out of things to say to each other, but Phoebe turned to me and said: "Yeah but you are kind of crusty." I shot her a wounded look, mouth ajar."Even if you don't look it," she added. If she was trying to save the insult she was too late. I was already extremely offended and I wasn't even entirely sure what being crusty meant.
Immediately a debate ensued with each of us listing qualities that we deemed "crusty" and naming girls that fit into the category. After two weeks of travelling through hostels - an environment where the crusty girl feels quite at home - it seemed Phoebe even had a ready list of examples to justify the extent of my crustiness no matter how many girls "way crustier than me" I tried to defend myself with.
So who is the crusty girl? Phoebe and I could not agree on a satisfactory definition. We realised that crustiness was a broad term and applied to many situations. I shall explain it thus: the crusty girl wakes up, smells her armpits, and if she thinks they don't smell too bad, she won't shower until after her chosen form of exercise at the end of the day, because, what's the point? Or, if she's not working out at the end of the day and isn't going out that evening, what's wrong with just waiting til the next morning for a shower, when it's hair washing day?
The crusty girl, if she's working from home, might spend her entire day in pyjamas if she wants. Don't get me wrong, if she has zoom meetings she'll look presentable. She'll throw a jumper on over the top, put some earrings on, and maybe even brush her hair. If her hair is greasy, it's nothing some Batiste won't fix. If you have to ask what Batiste is, you probably aren't crusty.
The crusty girl, if she's done something fancy like get a shellac manicure, will let her nails grow out until around the seventh week mark, when the only colour left is clinging to the tips of her nails and she can scrape the paint off in front of the TV. Why would she pay actual money to have the nails removed when they've come this far?
The crusty girl, goes out clubbing with her friends to let her hair down - don't worry she washes it on Fridays because she knows she'll be out socialising - and when she gets a bit too hammered will have no qualms sleeping on someone's living room floor between the hours of five and nine am to avoid the cost of an Uber home and enjoy the considerably cheaper public transport fare.
The crusty girl, if she makes it home by ten, will drag herself to her room after the night's adventures and pass out, waking up in the late afternoon to find herself in some state of undress. Naked, semi, or fully clothed. All of the above are crusty. Chances are she will also have a full face of makeup left on which she will wear until bedtime.
The crusty girl, contrary to what you might assume, does actually tidy. However under no circumstances whatsoever does she clean. As long as everything is neatly in its rightful place, doesn't smell, or is masked by another smell, be it perfume, hairspray, or spray deodorant, then everything is FINE.
The crusty girl loves food. She loves trying new recipes. She stacks her shelves with cook books by Ottolenghi, Nigella Lawson and Stanley Tucci. But why the hell would make any of those meals when she can have a 2 minute pot noodle? Of course, when hosting dinners, typically for six or more people, she will pull out all the stops. She will post Instagram stories of her culinary creations. But don't expect her lunch the next day to be anything less than peanut butter and jam on toast.
The crusty girl is about making as little effort as possible to look as put together as possible. It's a thin veil, but if you only meet her a handful of times, she covers up a multitude of sins. If you want to spot a crusty girl in the wild, it's hard to do because she will be thriving behind that façade of fun or sophisticated hostess. There's no point trying to expose her when she's the life and soul of the party anyway. You might as well just enjoy her chaos and do her the courtesy of checking she's OK on the hangover.